Today I dreamt of my mother, of her journals more than her herself. As if in the middle of my dream, this subconscious post man had dropped off a package at the door of my unconscious. Within that package was a journal, and right at the moment I ripped open the package, it was like the package was ripping me open in return. I woke up and found myself in tears and thought that today would be a good day to share this painting with you all.

To Search For Mother was painted in the 20 days between when we discovered that my mother was ill to her passing. This feeling is embedded into me like a tattoo. I didn’t paint this with the intention of sharing or healing myself. I painted this piece because I had a show in Paris coming and paintings needed to be quickly made for it. The meaning, the language and the symbols in it were a consequence of the fracture point I was at in my life.

Motherhood is subject that I find to be very delicate. So complex and with so many layers to it. What I know for sure, is that we are forever in search of Mother. Sometimes we are in search of our mother who is not around, for a mother we never had, for a mother we wish we had had, or a mother different from the one we do have. What I came to understand, after becoming motherless, is that this search is also internal. To search for the mother that is in us, finding our own mother. That is what this painting means to me. And just like a maternal relationship, there are many layers to this painting that I might need another year to discover. Hints of sorrow, acceptance, grief, and little by little we start to understand the constant presence and meaning of this relationship.